It may seem sort of odd to follow up three posts about being inspired and pushed from the SCBWI LA Conference to now talking about being unmotivated. But such is the nature of life and writing.We are in San Diego, about to move our youngest into her college dorm. We’ve been talking about it for weeks, knowing it, but I’ve been ignoring the anxiety and sadness that has been at my back for that same amount of time, not wanting to feel its hot breath on my neck. So I keep just ahead of it…for now (though I allowed myself a good cry yesterday). I know I will give into it, but not yet. Not when I will still get to see her and hold her close.
When people ask “What will you do with your time?” I laugh because she’s very independent and we’ve been getting used to not seeing her all year as she hung out with friends and her boyfriend, studied and such through her senior year.
And I’m so busy doing things I love and I didn’t think any of that would change. The teaching, critiquing, the writing (need more of that), and the every day stuff that makes up a life.
The thing I knew would change was the energy in the house, the hole her absence would create, just like the holes that were left when our other two ventured off. Rayanne essence no longer floating and dancing through the air, only what she left behind, like the last hints of perfume before it dissipates altogether.
I feel unmotivated, adrift, but grateful to have things that bring me back and lift me up–thank you, Lighthouse Picture Book class!
I can’t seem to write, though I did brainstorm last week. And I’m glad our middle child will be home for two weeks just as we say good-bye to Ray. It will ease the transition. But transition there will be and I want to meet it with curiosity and anticipation.
Not there yet, though. Still unsure, anxious, sad. I remember this with the other two, so I know it will pass, but until then I will do what feels right in the moment.
So there is no Denise pep talk or advice on how to get motivated. Right now I’m just staying ahead of the sadness until I’m ready to face it. And if I feel like writing, I will. If I don’t, I won’t.
Writing this post helped. It reminds me that not all writing has to be focused on a project, on a story, on a potentially publishable piece.
Sometimes words on the page, any words, are enough.
I admire your honesty. Way to still put pen to paper! I’m sure you wondered for years what it would be like for you once all three kids were in college. What a milestone! Embrace it. Feel it. Honor it. What a big change! Hugs to you! Good luck to your daughter on her way to college! You did it!!!!
Thank you! Yes, we’ve wondered for a long time what it would be like. I’m definitely working at feeling and honoring whatever comes up. Thanks for the hugs! xo
I’m not there yet, Vega but I know sending my kids off to college will be here before I know it. I got teary-eyed reading your post. Good luck with the preparation and send off. Sending virtual hugs your way! The pen (or keyboard) will be waiting for you when you feel ready. 🙂
Bless you, my friend. Thank you for your virtual hugs – I feel them! Yes, the pen and keyboard will both be ready when I am. Thank you!
Oh boy, Denise, I am right there with you! We just took our oldest to college last weekend, and it has been a tough week on many fronts. I understand! Good luck with all through this transition.
Thank you, Karin. It’s always nice to hear from someone who knows. How far away did yours go? Are you feeling any better after a week? I know with our first two, I spent 3-5 days in a bit of mourning, and then began to bring myself back. Thank you for your good wishes. Sending you good wishes and a positive transition as well!
Thanks, Denise! She started at Creighton in Omaha, NE, which is about 3 1/2 hours away. She was miserable and decided it wasn’t the place for her so withdrew after the second day of classes and moved to begin the year at Augustana University in Sioux Falls, SD (where you were for the SCBWI conference) which is about an hour from home. It’s been a physically and emotionally draining time, but she is now happy and in the midst of orientation preparing to begin classes Wednesday so all is well:)
Wow. I love how she listened to her inner guidance and is now in a place where she is happy and motivated! That’s wonderful. We are just back from getting Rayanne moved in. Look for more on my Thursday blog :-).
I’m glad too! I hope all went well with your drop off. Looking forward to reading more Thursday:)
All was very good with getting her settled. It was a little overwhelming at first, but she’s rockin’ it now :-).
Denise, I wish you strength with this difficult rite of mommyhood, and I know you can stay ahead of it. I want to remind you how wonderful you are, and how many you’ve lifted up in so many kind ways (me included!). There, more words on the page – hoping they keep your spirits up. Hugs!!
Thank you so much! Your words did lift me, as did your presence last night. You are such an inspiration!!! Thank you for sharing your time and talent with us. Love you LOTS!