Usually I’m the Queen of Positivity. If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that. I find the silver lining, the thing I’m grateful for, and the sun comes out again.

But through most of May the sun was rarely out, literally and figuratively And ironically I was working on one of the lessons for my Find a Publisher course called “Staying Positive.” I have all kinds of ideas and tools to help me stay as positive as possible in my career. So I was putting together my slide show, feeling like a fraud because I was feeling down and couldn’t seem to muster the energy to implement my own tools.

Identifying the Blues

Some of it was definitely my mom, who was declining each week and then passed away on May 7. And then the weather. It’s rare to have more than two days of cloudy weather in a row in Colorado–I know: spoiled–so that was getting to me. And yet it was so green and the birds were always chirping and the flowers were blooming beautifully.

Finally, some of my blues had to do with a convergence of perceived “bad” news. I say “perceived” because I’ve been in this long enough to know that something that appears to be a bummer at the time often is a stepping stone to something even better.

Anyway, in early May I had received pass #8 on a picture book manuscript we’d sent out. Ouch. Good comments–some clearly struggled with passing on it which tells me it had something–but still, a pass. And one of the classes I teach–one that always has at least 8-10 people minimum, only had three which meant canceling.

And then my mom died, which put everything in perspective.

Allowing a Little Wallowing

So all of this weighed me down and I was feeling sad and discouraged and a little sorry for myself.

• Why can’t I sell another picture book?
• Why is it such a struggle to fill my classes the last several months?

and then the big one:

• Why did my mom die?

Recoloring Blue Days

It’s strange, but even as I just typed those questions, something shifted inside me. I can’t answer any of those questions really, but I suddenly had this tiny glimmer of…hopefulness.

I don’t know why my picture books aren’t getting picked up right now, but I do know I’m improving as a picture book writer and I absolutely love writing them.

I don’t know why it’s been such a struggle to fill my classes, but I do know that I am a good teacher who continues to improve and loves to share her knowledge and learn from her students. Maybe I’m supposed to teach something else or somewhere else and this is the Universe’s way of telling me to start making the shift. I was happy to see some recent classes fill quite nicely. Was it the topic? The timing? Who knows? I just know that I want to be open to teaching opportunities that feel right.

I don’t know why my mom died, but being with her as she declined and working through my grief, I’m learning about what I value and what I want to accomplish in both my life and my writing. Each day I remember something I love about her and want to emulate. The same with my friend, Caroline Stutson, who passed on June 18.

After writing all that, guess what popped into my mind? Working on the visualization audio download for the Staying Positive lesson. I’m going to get to it!

Thanks for coming to my pity party. I’m feeling better now.   😀 .